Utter Autism

November 17, 2011

Out of Breath

I’ve experienced labor twice.  First with Adrian and then with Zee.  The girls were taken by C-section a month before they were due.

Both times I experienced the same phenomenon.  My body doesn’t seem to know the rule is contraction, break, contraction break,…

For some reason, both times it geared up and repeatedly forgot the break.  I’d start out with single contractions and a break in between.  Within hours, it would switch to a peak-peak-break pattern.  Then on to peak-peak-peak-break.  And so on. 

I got up to 6 or 7 consecutive peaks with Adrian before I finally gave in to the epidural.  Not because I couldn’t handle the pain but because the lack of break meant I was just totally out of breath.  I remember thinking, “If only I could get a little break to catch my breath…”

That’s exactly how I feel now.  I just need a break to catch my breath…

Up until a few years ago when Adrian’s aggression really started to take over, I took regular breaks.  My husband is totally awesome and he’d take care of everything while I got away for a few days.   Sometimes I’d go to Florida to visit with my sister.  Sometimes I’d go to a peaceful church retreat.  Sometimes it was just a night out with a mom friend. 

It was all me time.  Time away from my responsibilities here at home.  Time to think, time to talk, time to pray, time to plan, …. just time.

The last time I was gone overnight was to visit my sister right before she had her first child.  He just turned 4 this past summer. 

These days I only leave Adrian at home with my husband when I have no other choice.  I worry the entire time I’m gone, watching the clock and constantly, imagining all that could be going wrong.   It’s not that I’m not paranoid.  I just know there’s a very good chance I’m going to come home to an overly anxious Adrian and a totally stressed husband and 3 siblings who wish they too could make it so Mom could get a break.  There will likely be tears, bruises and property damage to mark the occasion.  Going out without Adrian these days is no break at all.

We’re working on getting respite services so maybe we can get a night here or there without Adrian.   But it’s a long, slow process with no guarantees that it’ll work out in the end.

But I’m hopeful.  Cause I’m so ready for a break… just to catch my breath.

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