Utter Autism

August 25, 2010

Emerging from the Pit of Despair

Anyone who regularly reads the blog of a parent of a child with a disability will sooner or later come across a post of despair.  Sure, you’ll sometimes see them from parents of typical kids too.  Goodness knows this parent job isn’t easy in what ever form it comes.  But parenting a kid with a disability just throws that extra twist of challenge in and I’ve met very few parents who meet it without periods of utter frustration and despair.

The past 8 months have been extraordinary for us, for me.  The bone infection, the hospital stays, the long term IV and antibiotics, the cast, the support boot, the visits with doctors and nurses, ….   Coupled with and followed by an especially trying period with Adrian’s behavior. 

We have holes in the walls all over the house.  He’s hurt his siblings, his grandmother and me numerous times.  Fits of rage with no apparent cause have left us feeling frustrated, helpless and even a little scared.  At 5’9″ and 200 lbs. it’s no joke when he comes at you full force.  I’ve been at home alone with the kids a few times and thought to myself that he could easily knock me out…. and then what?!

I know he doesn’t mean to cause harm or trouble.  I think he’s just as frustrated with what his hormones and OCD are doing to him as we are.  So many times in the past few months I’ve found myself in that place of despair.  I want help for him and for us.  I want things to be safe and less crazy for his siblings.  I want to ease his suffering and make things better.  But there are no easy answers.

We’ve increased the meds and made some changes in how we handle his behavior.  It’s making a difference, things are better.  But his OCD behaviors are still off the charts and we’re still dealing with periods of aggression and new holes in the walls. 

I wouldn’t classify it as despair any longer.  We can live with this if we have to.  It’s eased enough I can put aside my fear that putting him in some type of institution might be the only way to keep everyone safe… for now.

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